[He might not hear it much at all- but he doesn't say it a lot, either. Perhaps it's his own defence systems kicking in. Protecting his heart with the multiple walls he's built around it. The walls Ruby keeps scaling no matter how much barbed wire he puts at the top or however many extra layers he adds to them. She just wiggles through every single damn time. Despite all the warnings signs he keeps putting up that any sane person would have paid attention to by now and bailed.
That old, horrible feeling of unworthiness creeps up into his mind again. He doesn't deserve her- he doesn't deserve to hear those words from her. She deserves so much better than him. He very almost says that. It would be kinder, in the long run. Cut her loose so he can save her from himself. Before he really hurts her.
He doesn't though- he can't bring those words to his lips. Instead, he says truer, more real words. Words that utterly terrify him, but likely the most honest thing he's said in weeks.]
You're smarter with alchemy. You're still learning the emotions thing. You're still learning and no expects you to have it all figured out.
[She mulls it over briefly. It wasn't an easy spot for him to be be in.]
I think it's going to be complicated no matter what. I don't think it's fair to either of you if you're trying to walk on eggshells for the others well being. Friendship should be about helping one another improve, not dragging one another down.
I still think you're a good influence on him but I don't think you should have to sacrifice yourself for his well being either.
It's easy enough to offer your hand to help out, but he still has to be willing to accept it and have the strength to pull himself out.
[She says this as if she isn't the most self sacrificing person around.]
[Her arms tighten around him as he sinks into the hug. It's when he goes still and sucks in that breath that it really starts to sink in just what she said. She had told a lot of people she loved them. Her dad, her sister, her teammates and friends. It felt different to say it to Varian. It carried a different weight to it that made her heart flutter the more she thought about it.
She feels his head droop over her shoulder so she let's hers tilt to the side to rest against his. Her hands grip at his shirt in a mix of surprise and excitement when he returns the words. Her heart starts pumping faster because gosh hearing him say that was like music to her ears.
She doesn't know what to say from here. What do you say after you say you love someone? Oh gosh.
There has to be something.
She's just going to wing it.]
...So... There aren't any good news cookies, are there?
Sometimes, I think some people expect me to figure it out.
[Fern especially. He listens to what she has to say, and he knows it makes a lot of sense. He's been trying so hard to help Fern keep his head above water... but it's almost impossible to do that while you're still drowning yourself. He would do almost anything to save Fern from himself... except for the one thing Fern truly wants.]
...Yeah. I know. It's just finding the words to tell him that without him destroying himself in the process.
[He's glad Amara will be there, desperately glad. He couldn't do that alone.
Wow, Ruby, you totally nailed that. He snorts out a laugh against her, wow. He pulls back a little, despite all his worry, a lopsided smile crossing his face.]
We can rebrand the bad news cookies. No one needs to know.
Maybe they do and maybe they even have good reasons for why think they think you should. It's still not fair to push you to figure things out before you're ready. You should do what feels right to you and hopefully it'll feel right when you do it.
[Honestly. She wants the best of both of both worlds. She'd love nothing more for the both of them to be happy. She knows it's a complicated mess and it's not going to be easy for either of them to figure it out.]
Yeah. I can't see those being easy words to find. Honestly almost everything I've said to him has just made things worse. So you must be on the right track in there somehow.
[She blinds but joins in on the laugh. She's got a dorky smile to go along with his.]
I am a-okay with that. The one I tried was delicious, by the way.
[She keeps one arm around him while she reaches for a couple cookies. Sorry Varian, you're getting dragged along with her on this one.]
[Because he's so damn tired having to stretch himself to other people's expectations. He just wants to be himself for a little while and for that to be enough for people, broken and messy as he is. ]
Everything I say to him goes south, too. It doesn't matter how many times I tell him he matters, it's never good enough. He doesn't believe anything I have to tell him and it's exhausting.
[He's so goddamn tired of Fern yelling that he's a liar every time he tries to tell the guy his friendship matters. Because it always sounds like he doesn't matter, unless he feels exactly how Fern expects him to feel.
He gives a soft 'urp' as he's dragged along. Ah, he knew she couldn't resist the siren call of cookies for very long. Despite everything, a smile plays across his lips.]
[She takes a handful of cookies and then pulls the two of them back up to the couch. She'll offer him one or two before she pops one into her mouth. She hears him out and pulls him in a little closer.]
Of course. I'm not here because I want to change you into something you aren't or don't want to be. Ever since I first met you, you've tried you absolute hardest to be better than you were before. Despite all the things you hold against yourself, you still try. I want to be here to support you while you do that, while you figure out just who you want to be.
[Her expression softens hearing that.]
If it makes you feel any better that's basically how all of my conversations with him have gone too. It isn't just you. I think he's just not ready to listen in that sense. There's something eating him up that he's going to have to find a way to get past.
[He stills when she speaks. Honestly, he's wanted to hear that for a really long time. Not that he's not enough, or that he needs to change in a specific way to fit what other people want from him. It was always on someone else's terms. Never his. But then Ruby just comes in and sweeps it all off the table. Leaves it for him to decide, and that means more than he can put into words. He clings to her a little tighter.]
Thank you.
[He says it again, but he needs to. Because it's one of the most precious things anyone has given him. The chance to figure out who he wants to be without pushing him one way or the other.]
I know where he's coming from. I think that's the problem. I've been there. Where everything is so dark and you're just lashing out to make it stop hurting, but that only makes it worse. I wish I could help him get past that... but you're right. He has to do some of it himself.
[Eventually, he does let go of his death-grip on her, instead opting to sit back on the couch, leaning lightly against her. This is fine, this is nice. He even deigns to eat one of his own cookies. ]
Yeah. I'm sure he'll get there when he's ready. And I wanna be there for him when he does. Maybe not the way he wants, but there all the same.
[She's generally the overly affectionate one out of the two of them. She's also the trained warrior, she can take and will gladly accept whatever death grip he can offer.
She gently ruffles his hair once he's settled down and eaten his first cookie.]
You'll both get there, eventually. At least I have a feeling that you will.
[She just lets her head rest against his shoulder.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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That old, horrible feeling of unworthiness creeps up into his mind again. He doesn't deserve her- he doesn't deserve to hear those words from her. She deserves so much better than him. He very almost says that. It would be kinder, in the long run. Cut her loose so he can save her from himself. Before he really hurts her.
He doesn't though- he can't bring those words to his lips. Instead, he says truer, more real words. Words that utterly terrify him, but likely the most honest thing he's said in weeks.]
I love you, too.
1/2
[She mulls it over briefly. It wasn't an easy spot for him to be be in.]
I think it's going to be complicated no matter what. I don't think it's fair to either of you if you're trying to walk on eggshells for the others well being. Friendship should be about helping one another improve, not dragging one another down.
I still think you're a good influence on him but I don't think you should have to sacrifice yourself for his well being either.
It's easy enough to offer your hand to help out, but he still has to be willing to accept it and have the strength to pull himself out.
[She says this as if she isn't the most self sacrificing person around.]
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She feels his head droop over her shoulder so she let's hers tilt to the side to rest against his. Her hands grip at his shirt in a mix of surprise and excitement when he returns the words. Her heart starts pumping faster because gosh hearing him say that was like music to her ears.
She doesn't know what to say from here. What do you say after you say you love someone? Oh gosh.
There has to be something.
She's just going to wing it.]
...So... There aren't any good news cookies, are there?
[FUCKIN'
NAILED
IT!!!!!!!!!]
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[Fern especially. He listens to what she has to say, and he knows it makes a lot of sense. He's been trying so hard to help Fern keep his head above water... but it's almost impossible to do that while you're still drowning yourself. He would do almost anything to save Fern from himself... except for the one thing Fern truly wants.]
...Yeah. I know. It's just finding the words to tell him that without him destroying himself in the process.
[He's glad Amara will be there, desperately glad. He couldn't do that alone.
Wow, Ruby, you totally nailed that. He snorts out a laugh against her, wow. He pulls back a little, despite all his worry, a lopsided smile crossing his face.]
We can rebrand the bad news cookies. No one needs to know.
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[Honestly. She wants the best of both of both worlds. She'd love nothing more for the both of them to be happy. She knows it's a complicated mess and it's not going to be easy for either of them to figure it out.]
Yeah. I can't see those being easy words to find. Honestly almost everything I've said to him has just made things worse. So you must be on the right track in there somehow.
[She blinds but joins in on the laugh. She's got a dorky smile to go along with his.]
I am a-okay with that. The one I tried was delicious, by the way.
[She keeps one arm around him while she reaches for a couple cookies. Sorry Varian, you're getting dragged along with her on this one.]
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[Because he's so damn tired having to stretch himself to other people's expectations. He just wants to be himself for a little while and for that to be enough for people, broken and messy as he is. ]
Everything I say to him goes south, too. It doesn't matter how many times I tell him he matters, it's never good enough. He doesn't believe anything I have to tell him and it's exhausting.
[He's so goddamn tired of Fern yelling that he's a liar every time he tries to tell the guy his friendship matters. Because it always sounds like he doesn't matter, unless he feels exactly how Fern expects him to feel.
He gives a soft 'urp' as he's dragged along. Ah, he knew she couldn't resist the siren call of cookies for very long. Despite everything, a smile plays across his lips.]
They should be, it's a recipe I perfected.
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Of course. I'm not here because I want to change you into something you aren't or don't want to be. Ever since I first met you, you've tried you absolute hardest to be better than you were before. Despite all the things you hold against yourself, you still try. I want to be here to support you while you do that, while you figure out just who you want to be.
[Her expression softens hearing that.]
If it makes you feel any better that's basically how all of my conversations with him have gone too. It isn't just you. I think he's just not ready to listen in that sense. There's something eating him up that he's going to have to find a way to get past.
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Thank you.
[He says it again, but he needs to. Because it's one of the most precious things anyone has given him. The chance to figure out who he wants to be without pushing him one way or the other.]
I know where he's coming from. I think that's the problem. I've been there. Where everything is so dark and you're just lashing out to make it stop hurting, but that only makes it worse. I wish I could help him get past that... but you're right. He has to do some of it himself.
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You're welcome. I'm here to help however I can.
[She wants nothing more than for him to succeed but she wants for him to do it on his own terms.]
I have a feeling when he's ready to accept help you'll be there to offer your hand. He's just not there yet.
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Yeah. I'm sure he'll get there when he's ready. And I wanna be there for him when he does. Maybe not the way he wants, but there all the same.
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She gently ruffles his hair once he's settled down and eaten his first cookie.]
You'll both get there, eventually. At least I have a feeling that you will.
[She just lets her head rest against his shoulder.]
Phew. We certainly covered a lot of ground today.
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[At least his death grips are pretty puny. He's a scrawny guy. He huffs out a soft laugh at her comment.]
Wow, we really did. Go us, I guess we really did deserve the cookies.
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We did. And I'm not just saying that as someone who will gladly accept any excuse to stuff her face with cookies.
But I can't deny that it might have something to do with it too.
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Oh, I see how it is. The cookies really swayed you with the personal growth, here. I knew I picked the right desert.
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I work really well when cookies are involved.
They might have helped me pick out the right words to say.
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[It would be hard to miss!]
Well, they're better words than I could've come up with. Good words. Great words.
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[As if it's even a secret in the slightest.]
Maybe. You're better at letting your actions speak for you. You just come up with a different way to get the point across.
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[Don't joke about that in a place that tries to kill you all on a regular basis, Varian. Come on. He lets out a soft hum of thought at that. ]
I never thought about it like that before. I guess I do.
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[He's been hanging out with her for too long. It's that devil may care attitude.]
I can confirm it's a thing. I've been hanging out with you for awhile now and I've seen it demonstrated a few times.
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[Oh no, he doesn't want it. He's supposed to be the smart, cynical one. He leans back with a soft 'heh'.]
Thanks. That's uh- good to know?
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[Too bad. Soon enough he'll be the sunshine one. She starts stuffing cookies in her mouth with more gusto now.]
No problem. I pick up on things too, sometimes.
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[No, never. He cants his head, offering a little smile.]
You pick up on a lot of things, don't put yourself down.
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[That's just kind of how Deerington works.]
I'm just trying not to give myself too</i< much credit. Fine. I pick up on a normal amount of things? Is that better?
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[He casts her a pointed look, raising one eyebrow skywards.]
Only marginally. You're better than you give yourself credit for, is all I'm saying.
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You know. A kind of, sort of teacher of mine from back home said that to me once too.
Maybe you both are on to something.
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