Yeah. Definitely the cat buses. One hundred percent.
[She doesn't even look at the cookies after she puts them down. Her eyes shifting between him and the floor. Her focus starts to shift more to the floor as he sits down next to her.
She's dreading the worst but that isn't what she gets. She looks up with an utterly dumbstruck look on her face when he mentions that says that they are completely fine.]
...Wait. Are you saying I didn't completely screw things up with us? Aren't these bad news cookies? I thought these were "I'm trying to let you down super gently in a break up kind of way" bad news cookies. I've been trying to figure out what I did wrong all the way here and how to apologize for it, but I couldn't think of anything.
[Don't mind her as she takes a minute to break. Then let out a sigh of relief. And then sink into the couch like the awkward duck she is.]
[Well. He definitely wasn't expecting that, and the surprise shows on his face. ]
What? No!
[He raises his hands, waving them wildly. Oh wow, wow. Is that why she looks like this? Is that what she thought? It this how he comes across? How did he mess this up so badly right out of the bat? ]
No. Ruby, we're fine. You didn't do anything wrong. Like... c-complete opposite. Everything with you is great, amazing! [A touch impulsively, but driven by the need to reassure her, he reaches for her hand with his own, gripping it tightly. Desperately. ] We're good, I promise.
[She's just kind of started babbling. There's a distinct pause between her words but she says them all incredibly quickly.
It's his hand taking hers that snaps her out of it. There's a pause before she squeezes his hand back. She doesn't relax it either, she matches his grip just to let him know she understands.]
You promise?
[Her tone is still a little confused, but she gives her head a shake and smiles.]
I may have completely misread what's going on here. I'm really sorry.
[Which... he's glad for. And he's glad Fern hasn't been actively seeking her out. That's been a worry, too. He lets out a slow breath. Okay.]
He's... well, I'm pretty sure Fern's never okay. But I know another reason why he hates you so much. Didn't see it coming but here we are. He uh... likes me. As in likes me, likes me. A fun fact he decided to drop on me right after I told him you and I were dating.
[He pauses, that's... no. ]
...Actually, between those two things, he kind of went all murder crazy and was coming after you with his grass sword. I managed to talk him down from that and that's when he told me. I guess to explain the murder crazy. That that it excused it.
[Ruby keeps quiet as Varian explains the situation. It's a lot to take in all at once, or at least the half that she didn't know about was. She wasn't surprised that Fern might have made an attempt to attack her, not after what she had been told by Louis. She had actually prepared herself in case that did inevitably did happen. She can't help but feel a little bad that she hadn't been upfront with Varian about that sooner.
The feelings for Varian part was something that left her blindsided. That definitely made things messier than she could have imagined.
At first she's not sure how to respond and it shows on her face as she muddles through her thoughts. She wasn't incredibly worried about her safety but she was worried about Varian being so close to such a volatile situation.]
Okay. That's a lot.
Are you okay?
[Her hand tightens around his. She's worried but she more concerned for him than she is about her own well being.]
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know you care about both of us.
[It made things so, so much messier. It made Varian think about things he hadn't before. Complicating his already complicated existence. He offers her a fleeting smile as her hand tightens around his, returning the gesture. The smile doesn't hide the worry behind his eyes. ]
I don't know. It made me think a lot about...uh. Me. I never really thought liking both boys and girls was an option. But I guess it is and I'm kinda still... processing that.
[His bi panic storm may have ebbed a little, but it's still churning quietly in the background. It's a lot to deal with. ]
A-anyway. Usagi seems to think it's a good idea to talk to him properly. Because I can't give him what he wants. I haven't worked out all that in my own head yet and it doesn't change the fact I'm with you and I like that...a- a lot.
[Hmm. No, no that's not sufficient. He offers her another smile, much more genuine this time. ]
I- I mean. You make me happy. Really happy. Happier than I've been in years.
[Ruby could definitely relate to having trouble wrapping her head around something or knowing just what to feel. Maybe not about this subject in general but she knew realizing just what her feelings for Varian were hadn't been the easiest. It was a much more pleasant experience but it still had left her confused and dazed for a bit.]
Well... There's no rush to process those feelings. We learn a little more about ourselves every day. You're a smart guy, you'll figure it out eventually.
[She listens to the next part. She's not particularly sure how she feels about it. Fern could be dangerous and she wasn't sure putting him into a position that was sure to upset him would be the best idea.
...But she was playing the same game with Neo and she still had faith that Varian might be able to make a difference for him. Usagi helping him only solidified that thought.]
Do you think it's a good idea to talk to him? ...Or do you feel like you're ready to talk to him.
Whatever you end up deciding I'll support you either way.
[She smiles at the comment. Then her silver eyes go a little wider when he rephrases it with a more genuine smile. She let's go of his hand so she can wrap both arms around him and pull him into a hug.]
You make me happy too, Varian.
[Then she's quiet for a second before she adds in.]
I'm smart with alchemy. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not so great with the emotions.
[He shrugs, in all honesty, he's not convinced it's a good idea. He'd rather bury it and ignore it for the rest of time. Let things go back to normal. But that won't happen. It will never be normal again. That ship has sailed.]
Usagi thought it wouldn't be healthy for anyone. I guess she's not wrong. I don't think I'll ever be ready. I don't know what he'll do, he might not attack you, but he won't be easy on himself. I don't want to be to blame for him destroying himself... but I don't know if it's crueller just stringing him along. It probably is.
[He returns the hug, glad for it. He might not be the huggiest person in the world, but sometimes, you just need a goddamn hug. He sinks into it a little, glad for the comfort. Glad for her. He didn't know how she would have responded to any of this- a part of him was always just expected to be left in the dirt again.
He stills when she says that- because he definately hadn't been expecting it. Those are three little words he really hasn't heard a whole lot in his life. Hell, he could probably count on both hands the number of times his father ever said those words to him- much less when they weren't in response to Varian saying them to him first. He knew his dad loved him, of course, but knowing and hearing are two very different things.
His friends back home have said it, once in a while- in their own ways, if not the actual words. Usagi definitely told him that, and that means the world to him. He takes them when he can- rare as those words are, keeping them like precious gems. Hearing it from Ruby is... different. It makes his chest tighten, she can probably hear him suck in a sharp breath, his arms tightening a little around her, his head drooping a little over her shoulder. ]
[He might not hear it much at all- but he doesn't say it a lot, either. Perhaps it's his own defence systems kicking in. Protecting his heart with the multiple walls he's built around it. The walls Ruby keeps scaling no matter how much barbed wire he puts at the top or however many extra layers he adds to them. She just wiggles through every single damn time. Despite all the warnings signs he keeps putting up that any sane person would have paid attention to by now and bailed.
That old, horrible feeling of unworthiness creeps up into his mind again. He doesn't deserve her- he doesn't deserve to hear those words from her. She deserves so much better than him. He very almost says that. It would be kinder, in the long run. Cut her loose so he can save her from himself. Before he really hurts her.
He doesn't though- he can't bring those words to his lips. Instead, he says truer, more real words. Words that utterly terrify him, but likely the most honest thing he's said in weeks.]
You're smarter with alchemy. You're still learning the emotions thing. You're still learning and no expects you to have it all figured out.
[She mulls it over briefly. It wasn't an easy spot for him to be be in.]
I think it's going to be complicated no matter what. I don't think it's fair to either of you if you're trying to walk on eggshells for the others well being. Friendship should be about helping one another improve, not dragging one another down.
I still think you're a good influence on him but I don't think you should have to sacrifice yourself for his well being either.
It's easy enough to offer your hand to help out, but he still has to be willing to accept it and have the strength to pull himself out.
[She says this as if she isn't the most self sacrificing person around.]
[Her arms tighten around him as he sinks into the hug. It's when he goes still and sucks in that breath that it really starts to sink in just what she said. She had told a lot of people she loved them. Her dad, her sister, her teammates and friends. It felt different to say it to Varian. It carried a different weight to it that made her heart flutter the more she thought about it.
She feels his head droop over her shoulder so she let's hers tilt to the side to rest against his. Her hands grip at his shirt in a mix of surprise and excitement when he returns the words. Her heart starts pumping faster because gosh hearing him say that was like music to her ears.
She doesn't know what to say from here. What do you say after you say you love someone? Oh gosh.
There has to be something.
She's just going to wing it.]
...So... There aren't any good news cookies, are there?
Sometimes, I think some people expect me to figure it out.
[Fern especially. He listens to what she has to say, and he knows it makes a lot of sense. He's been trying so hard to help Fern keep his head above water... but it's almost impossible to do that while you're still drowning yourself. He would do almost anything to save Fern from himself... except for the one thing Fern truly wants.]
...Yeah. I know. It's just finding the words to tell him that without him destroying himself in the process.
[He's glad Amara will be there, desperately glad. He couldn't do that alone.
Wow, Ruby, you totally nailed that. He snorts out a laugh against her, wow. He pulls back a little, despite all his worry, a lopsided smile crossing his face.]
We can rebrand the bad news cookies. No one needs to know.
Maybe they do and maybe they even have good reasons for why think they think you should. It's still not fair to push you to figure things out before you're ready. You should do what feels right to you and hopefully it'll feel right when you do it.
[Honestly. She wants the best of both of both worlds. She'd love nothing more for the both of them to be happy. She knows it's a complicated mess and it's not going to be easy for either of them to figure it out.]
Yeah. I can't see those being easy words to find. Honestly almost everything I've said to him has just made things worse. So you must be on the right track in there somehow.
[She blinds but joins in on the laugh. She's got a dorky smile to go along with his.]
I am a-okay with that. The one I tried was delicious, by the way.
[She keeps one arm around him while she reaches for a couple cookies. Sorry Varian, you're getting dragged along with her on this one.]
[Because he's so damn tired having to stretch himself to other people's expectations. He just wants to be himself for a little while and for that to be enough for people, broken and messy as he is. ]
Everything I say to him goes south, too. It doesn't matter how many times I tell him he matters, it's never good enough. He doesn't believe anything I have to tell him and it's exhausting.
[He's so goddamn tired of Fern yelling that he's a liar every time he tries to tell the guy his friendship matters. Because it always sounds like he doesn't matter, unless he feels exactly how Fern expects him to feel.
He gives a soft 'urp' as he's dragged along. Ah, he knew she couldn't resist the siren call of cookies for very long. Despite everything, a smile plays across his lips.]
[She takes a handful of cookies and then pulls the two of them back up to the couch. She'll offer him one or two before she pops one into her mouth. She hears him out and pulls him in a little closer.]
Of course. I'm not here because I want to change you into something you aren't or don't want to be. Ever since I first met you, you've tried you absolute hardest to be better than you were before. Despite all the things you hold against yourself, you still try. I want to be here to support you while you do that, while you figure out just who you want to be.
[Her expression softens hearing that.]
If it makes you feel any better that's basically how all of my conversations with him have gone too. It isn't just you. I think he's just not ready to listen in that sense. There's something eating him up that he's going to have to find a way to get past.
[He stills when she speaks. Honestly, he's wanted to hear that for a really long time. Not that he's not enough, or that he needs to change in a specific way to fit what other people want from him. It was always on someone else's terms. Never his. But then Ruby just comes in and sweeps it all off the table. Leaves it for him to decide, and that means more than he can put into words. He clings to her a little tighter.]
Thank you.
[He says it again, but he needs to. Because it's one of the most precious things anyone has given him. The chance to figure out who he wants to be without pushing him one way or the other.]
I know where he's coming from. I think that's the problem. I've been there. Where everything is so dark and you're just lashing out to make it stop hurting, but that only makes it worse. I wish I could help him get past that... but you're right. He has to do some of it himself.
[Eventually, he does let go of his death-grip on her, instead opting to sit back on the couch, leaning lightly against her. This is fine, this is nice. He even deigns to eat one of his own cookies. ]
Yeah. I'm sure he'll get there when he's ready. And I wanna be there for him when he does. Maybe not the way he wants, but there all the same.
[She's generally the overly affectionate one out of the two of them. She's also the trained warrior, she can take and will gladly accept whatever death grip he can offer.
She gently ruffles his hair once he's settled down and eaten his first cookie.]
You'll both get there, eventually. At least I have a feeling that you will.
[She just lets her head rest against his shoulder.]
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[She doesn't even look at the cookies after she puts them down. Her eyes shifting between him and the floor. Her focus starts to shift more to the floor as he sits down next to her.
She's dreading the worst but that isn't what she gets. She looks up with an utterly dumbstruck look on her face when he mentions that says that they are completely fine.]
...Wait. Are you saying I didn't completely screw things up with us? Aren't these bad news cookies? I thought these were "I'm trying to let you down super gently in a break up kind of way" bad news cookies. I've been trying to figure out what I did wrong all the way here and how to apologize for it, but I couldn't think of anything.
[Don't mind her as she takes a minute to break.
Then let out a sigh of relief.
And then sink into the couch like the awkward duck she is.]
....But we're good, right?
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What? No!
[He raises his hands, waving them wildly. Oh wow, wow. Is that why she looks like this? Is that what she thought? It this how he comes across? How did he mess this up so badly right out of the bat? ]
No. Ruby, we're fine. You didn't do anything wrong. Like... c-complete opposite. Everything with you is great, amazing! [A touch impulsively, but driven by the need to reassure her, he reaches for her hand with his own, gripping it tightly. Desperately. ] We're good, I promise.
[Something he never, ever does lightly. Promise.]
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And then hands start flailing and he starts trying to reassure her and the awkwardness kicks back in.]
I-uh-Well-Just-kind-of-read-the-texts-and-everything-looked-really-bad-and-I-wasn't-sure-what-could-have-happened-and-I-was-super-confused-and-I-guess-I-just-jumped-to-conclusions-and-now-this-is-super-awkward-and-because-
[She's just kind of started babbling. There's a distinct pause between her words but she says them all incredibly quickly.
It's his hand taking hers that snaps her out of it. There's a pause before she squeezes his hand back. She doesn't relax it either, she matches his grip just to let him know she understands.]
You promise?
[Her tone is still a little confused, but she gives her head a shake and smiles.]
I may have completely misread what's going on here. I'm really sorry.
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[Probably. He offers her a small smile.]
I promise. Sorry I scared you. Definitely wasn't my intention.
[He really had to get him some of those people skills one day. Do you think he can buy some at Hart Mart?]
It's uh... more of a Fern thing.
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[That hand of his gets one more squeeze.]
Either way. Apologies accepted on both fronts?
[If he finds out what aisle they're in, he has to tell her too.
That... Gets a confused stare out of her.]
Did something happen, is he okay?
I haven't seen or talked to him since the last debacle thing.
Just kept my distance like we talked about.
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[Which... he's glad for. And he's glad Fern hasn't been actively seeking her out. That's been a worry, too. He lets out a slow breath. Okay.]
He's... well, I'm pretty sure Fern's never okay. But I know another reason why he hates you so much. Didn't see it coming but here we are. He uh... likes me. As in likes me, likes me. A fun fact he decided to drop on me right after I told him you and I were dating.
[He pauses, that's... no. ]
...Actually, between those two things, he kind of went all murder crazy and was coming after you with his grass sword. I managed to talk him down from that and that's when he told me. I guess to explain the murder crazy. That that it excused it.
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The feelings for Varian part was something that left her blindsided. That definitely made things messier than she could have imagined.
At first she's not sure how to respond and it shows on her face as she muddles through her thoughts. She wasn't incredibly worried about her safety but she was worried about Varian being so close to such a volatile situation.]
Okay. That's a lot.
Are you okay?
[Her hand tightens around his. She's worried but she more concerned for him than she is about her own well being.]
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know you care about both of us.
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I don't know. It made me think a lot about...uh. Me. I never really thought liking both boys and girls was an option. But I guess it is and I'm kinda still... processing that.
[His bi panic storm may have ebbed a little, but it's still churning quietly in the background. It's a lot to deal with. ]
A-anyway. Usagi seems to think it's a good idea to talk to him properly. Because I can't give him what he wants. I haven't worked out all that in my own head yet and it doesn't change the fact I'm with you and I like that...a- a lot.
[Hmm. No, no that's not sufficient. He offers her another smile, much more genuine this time. ]
I- I mean. You make me happy. Really happy. Happier than I've been in years.
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Well... There's no rush to process those feelings. We learn a little more about ourselves every day. You're a smart guy, you'll figure it out eventually.
[She listens to the next part. She's not particularly sure how she feels about it. Fern could be dangerous and she wasn't sure putting him into a position that was sure to upset him would be the best idea.
...But she was playing the same game with Neo and she still had faith that Varian might be able to make a difference for him. Usagi helping him only solidified that thought.]
Do you think it's a good idea to talk to him? ...Or do you feel like you're ready to talk to him.
Whatever you end up deciding I'll support you either way.
[She smiles at the comment. Then her silver eyes go a little wider when he rephrases it with a more genuine smile. She let's go of his hand so she can wrap both arms around him and pull him into a hug.]
You make me happy too, Varian.
[Then she's quiet for a second before she adds in.]
I love you.
1/3
[He shrugs, in all honesty, he's not convinced it's a good idea. He'd rather bury it and ignore it for the rest of time. Let things go back to normal. But that won't happen. It will never be normal again. That ship has sailed.]
Usagi thought it wouldn't be healthy for anyone. I guess she's not wrong. I don't think I'll ever be ready. I don't know what he'll do, he might not attack you, but he won't be easy on himself. I don't want to be to blame for him destroying himself... but I don't know if it's crueller just stringing him along. It probably is.
2/3
He stills when she says that- because he definately hadn't been expecting it. Those are three little words he really hasn't heard a whole lot in his life. Hell, he could probably count on both hands the number of times his father ever said those words to him- much less when they weren't in response to Varian saying them to him first. He knew his dad loved him, of course, but knowing and hearing are two very different things.
His friends back home have said it, once in a while- in their own ways, if not the actual words. Usagi definitely told him that, and that means the world to him. He takes them when he can- rare as those words are, keeping them like precious gems. Hearing it from Ruby is... different. It makes his chest tighten, she can probably hear him suck in a sharp breath, his arms tightening a little around her, his head drooping a little over her shoulder. ]
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That old, horrible feeling of unworthiness creeps up into his mind again. He doesn't deserve her- he doesn't deserve to hear those words from her. She deserves so much better than him. He very almost says that. It would be kinder, in the long run. Cut her loose so he can save her from himself. Before he really hurts her.
He doesn't though- he can't bring those words to his lips. Instead, he says truer, more real words. Words that utterly terrify him, but likely the most honest thing he's said in weeks.]
I love you, too.
1/2
[She mulls it over briefly. It wasn't an easy spot for him to be be in.]
I think it's going to be complicated no matter what. I don't think it's fair to either of you if you're trying to walk on eggshells for the others well being. Friendship should be about helping one another improve, not dragging one another down.
I still think you're a good influence on him but I don't think you should have to sacrifice yourself for his well being either.
It's easy enough to offer your hand to help out, but he still has to be willing to accept it and have the strength to pull himself out.
[She says this as if she isn't the most self sacrificing person around.]
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She feels his head droop over her shoulder so she let's hers tilt to the side to rest against his. Her hands grip at his shirt in a mix of surprise and excitement when he returns the words. Her heart starts pumping faster because gosh hearing him say that was like music to her ears.
She doesn't know what to say from here. What do you say after you say you love someone? Oh gosh.
There has to be something.
She's just going to wing it.]
...So... There aren't any good news cookies, are there?
[FUCKIN'
NAILED
IT!!!!!!!!!]
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[Fern especially. He listens to what she has to say, and he knows it makes a lot of sense. He's been trying so hard to help Fern keep his head above water... but it's almost impossible to do that while you're still drowning yourself. He would do almost anything to save Fern from himself... except for the one thing Fern truly wants.]
...Yeah. I know. It's just finding the words to tell him that without him destroying himself in the process.
[He's glad Amara will be there, desperately glad. He couldn't do that alone.
Wow, Ruby, you totally nailed that. He snorts out a laugh against her, wow. He pulls back a little, despite all his worry, a lopsided smile crossing his face.]
We can rebrand the bad news cookies. No one needs to know.
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[Honestly. She wants the best of both of both worlds. She'd love nothing more for the both of them to be happy. She knows it's a complicated mess and it's not going to be easy for either of them to figure it out.]
Yeah. I can't see those being easy words to find. Honestly almost everything I've said to him has just made things worse. So you must be on the right track in there somehow.
[She blinds but joins in on the laugh. She's got a dorky smile to go along with his.]
I am a-okay with that. The one I tried was delicious, by the way.
[She keeps one arm around him while she reaches for a couple cookies. Sorry Varian, you're getting dragged along with her on this one.]
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[Because he's so damn tired having to stretch himself to other people's expectations. He just wants to be himself for a little while and for that to be enough for people, broken and messy as he is. ]
Everything I say to him goes south, too. It doesn't matter how many times I tell him he matters, it's never good enough. He doesn't believe anything I have to tell him and it's exhausting.
[He's so goddamn tired of Fern yelling that he's a liar every time he tries to tell the guy his friendship matters. Because it always sounds like he doesn't matter, unless he feels exactly how Fern expects him to feel.
He gives a soft 'urp' as he's dragged along. Ah, he knew she couldn't resist the siren call of cookies for very long. Despite everything, a smile plays across his lips.]
They should be, it's a recipe I perfected.
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Of course. I'm not here because I want to change you into something you aren't or don't want to be. Ever since I first met you, you've tried you absolute hardest to be better than you were before. Despite all the things you hold against yourself, you still try. I want to be here to support you while you do that, while you figure out just who you want to be.
[Her expression softens hearing that.]
If it makes you feel any better that's basically how all of my conversations with him have gone too. It isn't just you. I think he's just not ready to listen in that sense. There's something eating him up that he's going to have to find a way to get past.
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Thank you.
[He says it again, but he needs to. Because it's one of the most precious things anyone has given him. The chance to figure out who he wants to be without pushing him one way or the other.]
I know where he's coming from. I think that's the problem. I've been there. Where everything is so dark and you're just lashing out to make it stop hurting, but that only makes it worse. I wish I could help him get past that... but you're right. He has to do some of it himself.
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You're welcome. I'm here to help however I can.
[She wants nothing more than for him to succeed but she wants for him to do it on his own terms.]
I have a feeling when he's ready to accept help you'll be there to offer your hand. He's just not there yet.
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Yeah. I'm sure he'll get there when he's ready. And I wanna be there for him when he does. Maybe not the way he wants, but there all the same.
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She gently ruffles his hair once he's settled down and eaten his first cookie.]
You'll both get there, eventually. At least I have a feeling that you will.
[She just lets her head rest against his shoulder.]
Phew. We certainly covered a lot of ground today.
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[At least his death grips are pretty puny. He's a scrawny guy. He huffs out a soft laugh at her comment.]
Wow, we really did. Go us, I guess we really did deserve the cookies.
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We did. And I'm not just saying that as someone who will gladly accept any excuse to stuff her face with cookies.
But I can't deny that it might have something to do with it too.
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Oh, I see how it is. The cookies really swayed you with the personal growth, here. I knew I picked the right desert.
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